iznaynus on Xanga

Weblog

Monday, 09 November 2009

也许是最后一次。。。

独自一人坐在一间房间里，电视机是开着的。是因为害怕寂寞而必须有影子和声音来陪伴着吗？但是，就只有在这夜深人静的夜晚里，心情的不安宁最是震耳欲聋的。
多人在生活里都在寻找着永远。健康，快乐，富贵，幸福。。。可是，在这百忙当中，是否有没有停下脚步，仔细地想一想，我们所追求的是为了别人或是自己？我从小就超相信“我为人人，人人为我”。有些朋友也会说，“XX，你的人真好，有你这样的朋友多好。”就因为这样，有时候那偶尔的委屈和勉强，换来对方的快乐，这何尝不是一件好事？而我在我的读书生涯里，也结交了不少知己。但是，真正的知己又有几个呢？
最记得小时候，和我那一班志同道合的小学同学玩得不亦乐乎。如果说是“天上无，地下有”，我相信没有一个人会否认。在小六那年，大家还说一定会保持联络。但如今的我们，除了在马路上偶尔碰面打招呼与慰问，或是在 facebook 上 poke 来 poke 去外，有多少是真正守了信用，做到了那一点呢？最气的是，给我当年的小六科学老师说中了，“小学朋友到了中学就失去联络了，你们等着瞧吧。”年少无知的我看不起大人那番无情的看法，因为我相信我们能证明他那念头是错的。结果，他对了。我身边是还有几个比较要好的小学朋友，而我也感谢他们的陪伴。因为我们可以大声地说，“那么多年了，出来吃顿饭吧！”
中学和初级学院所结交的知己到如今还有好几个保持联络。出国的出国了，做工的忙碌着，结婚的有几个，有小孩的很幸福，追求理想的少之又少。在这繁忙的城市里，稀少的时间让大家很难呼吸。大家都在自儿的岗位上完成了那应该的本分。偶尔的聚会也变成了大家唯一能见面，了解彼此的近况。而大组聚会，虽然不能心比心地谈话，却方便了大家不少。
近几年，还是有结交了不少新朋友。能称得上是知己的，可以说是完全零。有些是朋友的朋友，同事变成朋友，兵营里的朋友，从新认识的旧朋友。大多都是因为比较谈得来才比较常联络。算得上认识我的，寥寥无几。
说了这么多，也觉得自己在打圈圈。最近的我在学着如何自己一个人生活。以前的我，在那匆匆忙忙里，向往着偶尔的个人时间。我并不害怕寂寞，只不过想要更加去享受那无与伦比的宁静。过了这么多年，已经没有谁的选择，已经没有什么谁对谁错。眼泪流干了，只知道我知道，他知道，某某人知道就好。
在这接近三个月的漫长日子里，有朋友知道了，就因在不同的程度上认识我，反应不一。有的远离我，有的音讯全无，有的保持沉默，有的还在错愕当中，有的悄悄告知他懂了，有的则是万般安慰。那些不知道的，可不能算不是知己。是大家无法想象的忙碌，是那不够细腻的观察，是我开不了口。就因我的任性，我的错择，造成了大家的大碍。
能在这儿知道到的知己，也就只有那几个。也因为知道的算是知己，我知道我不会变成饭桌上的话题。但是，不知道的，除了普通朋友外，还有很多很多。就请帮个忙吧，别多问，别多说，让我独自说吧。
有一名朋友曾说过，我近几年的博客都平白循述着我的平凡不过多姿的生活，缺少了对人生的看法和感觉。可能因为我做人已经麻木了，对做人处事已经有了一定的态度，写了也没什么。可是，认真地去了解自己是人生中很重要的一部分。唯一能做到的，就是不停思考和反省。新的生活方式需要新的生命吧，也就应沿着这也许是最后一次。。。
独自一人坐在一间房间里，电视机是开着的。是因为害怕寂寞而必须有影子和声音来陪伴着吗？但是，就只有在这夜深人静的夜晚里，心情的不安宁最是震耳欲聋的。

Monday, 19 October 2009

Horoscoop

The Dog

The Dog is wonderfully hard worker, a perfectionist and someone who loves the small details. He is also a bit anti-social, pessimistic and stubborn. They are one of the most honest and loyal signs of the Chinese zodiac and will always go to bat for a worthy cause. The Dog is a fantastic listener and his advice is usually very intuitive.

Forecast for 2010 The Year of the Tiger will be an excellent one for all Dogs with a significant improvement in fortune all year long. They must leave the past behind, for the Ox year was a challenging one, and look forward with optimism and determination. There will still be challenges this year for the Dog, as for all the signs, and it is important that he talk over any potential problems and worries rather than bottling them up. Socially, this is the Dog’s year to shine and many new strong friendships and alliances will be formed. The Year of the Tiger will see increased finances for the Dog with many receiving bonuses or even gifts throughout the year. However, it is important that he takes his time regarding financial matters, checking details and ensuring that he has read all the fine print. May to August will be very significant for single Dogs and all invitations should be carefully considered! September through November will have crucial career opportunities – don’t miss them! Recreational activities and hobbies will also feature strongly, with some able to turn their hobby into their career with great success.

Interesting Dog Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Diamond
Special Flower: Marigold
Best Hours of the day 7-9 pm
Season: Autumn
Horoscope Colors: Silver and Red

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

After a While - Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security

And you begin to learn
That Kissess aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That ever sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn

Monday, 14 September 2009

Happy Birthday to you!

Come to think of it, I do not always pen down my appreciation for all the birthday wishes I receive every year in my blog and the reason, I don't know. I suppose most of them do not know the existence of this blog or maybe, they are just held close to my heart without the need of having to name it one by one. Maybe I am just worried that I left someone out. =) Let's try and here it goes.

Kelvin Kuan, thank you for the first early birthday present - L'Oreal Paris Men's Expert skincare product when I was in Tekong on 5 Aug.

To all people at my workplace for the lovely entries in my birthday card! Thanks! Especially Benjamin, Allan, Alex Tham, Junqiang who came to shook my hand in person on the actual day.

Thanks to Yaozhong, Jianfeng, Xinyi MeiMei, Jiaqiang, See Meng, Weiquan, Bertrand, Khai Pin, Darren Ang, for the advanced facebook messages...

Thanks to Peh Weijie, Terence Lew, Amanda Lee, Theresa Lee, Yvonne Tan, Xinying, Youhui, Tze Khiaw, Pei Jie, Joanne Wong, Eunice, Grace, Kanghao, Martin, Jolene, Spenser, Hon Khuan, Changyuan, Gary Ang, Margaret, Karen Kwa, Shangyi, Ahyi, Weiquan, Clarence, Andy Kong, Darryl Heng, Jingyi, Yijie, Jeff, Mingchang, Jonathan Leong, Winston Lee, Huimei, Yee Wah, Liling, Huiliang, Slyvia Lim, Adele, Amy Ong, Nok Kei, Vivianne, Diana, Joshua Oeij for your facebook birthday wishes!

Thanks to Michelle Liew, Jaynesh, Karen Poh for the belated facebook birthday wishes as well!

Edmond, thank you for early birthday sms all the way from Melbourne as well as the facebook msg! Cheers! =)

Max, thank you for the first birthday sms (0000), and the following people, Junyu (0003), John (0007), Khairul (0012), Cedric (0016), Huijun (0040), Lionel (0106), Qingting (0704), Colin (0709), Dexiang (0747), Xuan Xuan (0835), Melissa Ong (0918), Alvin (0938), Adeline (0946), Kelvin Wong (1126), Songxin (1212), Kamal (1248), Sandia (1621), Danny (1623; from Malaysia), Xiulin (1658), Qijun (1659; from UK), Peck Meng Auntie (1739), Sharon (2019), Reverend Seelaratana (2221), Rongzhou (2315), Yijun (2325)

Thanks to Jasmine, Timothy and Miow Chyn Auntie for the belated sms birthday wishes as well!

Kelvin Cheah, a phonecall from Malaysia makes hell lotsa difference. Thanks!! =)

Onlyfren (0004), thank you for the birthday present, lunch and the lala session!

Papa, Ma Mi, KorKor (1327) Duanying, thank you for the dinner treat... I love the food...

Norman, Wee Khoon (0750), Euan (0003), Siew Meng, thank you for the Dokumon. Especially to Euan for the MacDonalds breakfast treat + exclusive Mickey Mouse figurine from Japan as well as Wee Khoon for the handmade birthday card.

Weicai (1115), Karen Chiang, Theresa Aw, for the early-bird facebook birthday wishes and the treat to my 3rd love - singing at Party World KTV!

This year is a very special one. In many different ways.

Friday, 28 August 2009

Activities of Daily Living

... Came somewhat as a shock...the difficulties... all these years, especially even more so in the last 8 months... the look of fear and unbearability... his sense of despondency in the controlled heaves and sighs... the overwhelming helplessness in the conversations and small talks... a life... certain limitations and inconveniences...

... Heartfelt thoughts... broke down in tears... in all his life and experiences with relationships... no one ever came close... loving acceptance... promise... a life happily everafter... shared together... bonded in self-giving love and truth... small glimpse of hope... in the face of darkness...

... ... so true... ...